It's All Bachelored Up

ABC thought they had a reality TV winner. And for a while, they might have. They took 30 women and had them jump through a series of proverbial hoops to vie for one man. The prize at the end, well, winning the heart of the man and an engagement ring, of course.

Since the first season of “The Bachelor” was such a huge success, they soon launched “The Bachelorette.” Which is basically the same concept, expect now there are 30 men vying for the heart of one woman. Not to be unfair, the shows alternate who is vying for whom. And sometimes, they even bring back ousted favorites to become the next bachelor or bachelorette.

Granted, they’ve had some success in connecting compatible individuals, but that success would be marginal at best. Not ones to let that failure ruin their day, or their franchise, they’ve taken to decimating the “L” word just a little bit more. Now disgruntled couples can come back and in some way fight each other in hopes of besting the other for a wad of cash. Sounds like true love at its core, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, “The Bachelor Pad” isn’t the only attempt at contorting love as we know it. A couple of unsuccessful spin-offs include “Dating in the Dark” and the plus-sized version of “The Bachelor.” Personally, I would have to say that “Dating in the Dark” was the lesser of the new evils, but fortunately it only lasted a couple of seasons. The plus sized version was only on for one season. Either too many fragile women’s psyches were further damaged from that heart break, or there aren’t that many men willing to be tortured in this particular process.

The current season of “The Bachelorette” has been the most disappointing (all things considered). This season, they brought back Ashley from the previous season of the “The Bachelor.” During “The Bachelor,” Ashley was one of the front runners, except that she was insecure and not fully emotionally available. She was sent home 3rd from the end.

This season, Ashley came back vowing to be “open to love.” As is their custom, 30 men were brought in who were “serious about the process” and ready to marry Ashley, should the end come to that. When they were first brought out, several of the men expressed disappointment that this bachelorette wasn’t one of the other front runners from the previous season, Emily. Apparently the franchises are run so closely together that people watching the previous seasons don’t get to see to the end, otherwise they would have known that Emily was Brad’s top pick.

Along the way, Ashley found herself left with some interesting characters. There was Jeff, who began the season wearing a mask the entire time. He admitted that wasn’t his original intention, but the time wasn’t given for him to reveal himself as planned. His thought was to say that love needed to be deeper than just surface deep; so get to know the real him and he would reveal his looks to her. The only problem was the other 29 men all with the same goal of standing out and being taken to the end. So, Jeff had to wear his mask for several weeks, with several unmasking opportunities foiled by other well meaning bachelors.

Ashley also got to contend with Bentley, who was really only there to meet Emily. He should have shown his true intentions right away, but the competitive side in him took over. He stuck around for more than a few weeks weaseling his way into Ashley’s heart. Finally he took her aside before a planned date with another bachelor in order to let her down easy. Ashley was of course, crushed and almost didn’t go through with her planned date. When he left, Ashley still had no idea that Bentley was faking the whole time. Their relationship was left with a dot, dot, dot on the end of it. Who knows what that really means?

There were several other trolls that Ashley had to weed out before finding the cream of this crop. Fortunately, they weren’t all delusional characters. Some of the men actually turned out to be quality guys. Well, given the little that we know about them anyway.

Of the good guys this season, Ashley has so far sent home West, a widower looking for a second chance at love. Ashley didn’t think he was ready for a relationship with her, so didn’t believe when he told her he was over his previous wife. She may have been right, but only because a person never gets over their first love. This doesn’t mean they don’t have enough room in their heart for another though.

Ashley has also sent home Ryan P., a happy-go-lucky nice guy who really thought he had a chance with her. The only problem was after the initial “first impression” rose, Ryan was forced to sit on the sidelines. When he did finally get another one-on-one date with Ashley, she was quickly bored when he talked about his passions in life. She couldn’t see a future with him, given the minimal contact, so quickly let him go as well. On his exit interview, Ryan got teared up wondering if he would ever find true love. Undeterred, Ryan actually asked the show’s host if he could return seeking a second chance with Ashley. Most likely for ratings sake, Chris Harrison agreed. Ryan flew to Fiji to seek another opportunity, only to have his heart handed to him a second time. Odds are that Ryan will be next season’s bachelor. He’s such a likeable character that surely ABC will allow him to return for his chance at true love.

Next, Ashley sent home Ames. How Ames ever got sent to this show in the first place is a complete mystery. Does he really not have any family or friends who care about his well being? The goal should be to not only see him married off, but to see him happy. Poor Ames is a little slow on the social side, but still a very likeable guy. He is a consummate romantic and deeply traditional. At the rose ceremony when Ames wasn’t chosen, it actually took him until the limo ride home to realize that Ashley probably wasn’t meant for him. Ever the gentleman, Ames told Ashley that despite being sent home, he is the better for having known her and having her in his life now. There are internet rumblings about Ames becoming the next bachelor, except that he’s not a dynamic enough character for ABC to take him on. Ratings are king in this jungle.

A couple of times while watching this season (which hasn’t happened for every episode) I have felt such strong pain on behalf of the bachelor being sent home. It isn’t right that they should have to suffer like this. I know this is the gamble they took when signing up to be on this show, but that still doesn’t justify repeatedly doing this to people.

At one time, when the shows were fairly new, I would watch the show and wonder what I would do if I were in such a situation. I know I wouldn’t be throwing myself at the bachelor, which would most likely mean I’d be sent home early. I wouldn’t be consuming anywhere near as much alcohol as these characters seem to, so perhaps I’d be sent home early due to dehydration. I also wouldn’t be putting myself into a situation to sleep with the bachelor, so maybe I’d get sent home due to “compatibility” issues.

On another hand, if I did make it far enough for a lucky bachelor to come home with me to meet my family, I could only see a whole new set of problems opening up. I’m not sure I would want a potential marriage partner to meet my dysfunctional family. I know I wouldn’t want the way my family acts toward one another to be a reflection on how I would treat a future spouse. It’s nowhere near the truth. Just because my family hasn’t figured things out, interpersonally, doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be a good catch. I wonder if they would be able to see that.

But, in a broader scope of thought, I wonder what shows like “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” have done to love. Is it realistic to think that true love can develop when all the couples do is go on fantasy getaways and dates? What about real life? The only date I have seen Ashley take that might mean something to someone else was when she had a group of bachelors join her in helping to work on an orphanage. The rest of the time, it’s been about seeing who handles themselves the best in such inappropriate situations as testing wedding cake and taking wedding photos. There was even one bachelor who was taken out shopping for wedding rings, as their first individual activity together. No wonder the “L” word is so warped for so many.

How can us normal people survive when love has been turned into such a joke? A proposal isn’t a special affair any longer, it’s now a test to see how committed a guy might possibly be to us after one date. And what about the guys with true feelings? Well, if they can beat out the other guy vying for our attention, perhaps we’ll have a chance at true love. Forget that they could be only trying to win out over their competition and not really interested in a lasting love with us in the first place.

In one sense, I do wish Ashley all the best. I hope she finds what she’s looking for; that she finds true love. On another hand, I long for the days when falling in love seemed so much simpler. When people like me could trust it if a guy showed some interest in me. When I didn’t have to wonder if he was only with me to launch his music career or promote his business dealings (both of which we’ve seen in these shows.) When I didn’t have to take the Hollywood divorce rate into my consciousness, wondering if any relationship I happened to find might find the same fate of “falling out of love.”

ABC might have thought they only capitalized on a deep desire felt by every person out there. But I think what they really did was to give the darker, more ominous side of love and romance a voice. Now, instead of just finding ourselves with broken hearts at the end of a relationship, we exploit those feelings for ratings onscreen. Now we can relive that pain on a larger scale, every time past episodes are aired or we head out into a public that remembers viewing our experiences. And when that is done, especially if our break up was already on a grand scale, we can twist that brokenness into rage at the other person, which will fuel further ratings in all of its spin-off glory.

In a big way, I already fear what getting into a future relationship could mean for me. I would like to offer a word of caution to any who have thoughts of signing their name to be on a show such as I’ve mentioned. It’s true, you could end up finding true love like Ryan and Trista did in an early “Bachelorette” season. Or, more likely, you’ll end up signing your life away to a network that only cares for the ratings your trauma will bring them. For even though Ryan and Trista have found a measure of happiness, ABC still comes knocking on their door expecting to be let in for updates (and “proof” that what they’re doing to us is actually done with good intentions.) I’m not buying it, and you shouldn’t either.

Love and Other Inconsequentialities

When I was younger, I remember dreaming about when I would fall in love. I know that most girls my age dream about such things, but I was sure my dreams were different.

The love story I dreamed about was going to be epic. Homer would have nothing on my story. Mine was going to be the tale that stories and poems and songs were written about. My story was going to be the one that other girls wished they were living. It was going to be absolutely fantastic.

I’ve gone through a couple of boyfriends… and several head cases, and yet my story is still untold. It’s a story still not experienced, even by me.

As I look back now, I know that a lot of my life has been lived vicariously. It’s never been me who was the popular girl getting the dates to prom. In fact, I was lucky to go to my prom, even without a date. (My boyfriend and I had just broken up.) I was never the girl who got to experience falling in love. Even with the boyfriends that I had, I don’t think I can say that I know what it means to be in love.

I’ve watched my mother go through a couple of marriages, and a couple of divorces. I can’t exactly say that she’s the role model for love either. (Though at times, she’ll insist she knows the “perfect” guy for me. Sorry if I don’t jump at those opportunities!)

I’ve seen the movies (and TV shows) where love seems so easy. Though I wonder, if it really were easy, would I still be alone? Would I still have not experienced my love story?

There are times when I’ll watch a movie or show and wish for what the couple on screen is experiencing, up until the point that they’re sleeping with each other after the first date. Really? Is that what love is all about? Well, it must be. They end up together and happy at the end of the movie. So, is it my standards that are off?

What about the couple that hates each other at the beginning of the story? Isn’t it a miracle when they end up being perfect for each other? What a croc!

I had a friend once commiserating on her single status tell me that she wondered if her perfect man had been aborted as a baby. It’s a gruesome thought, but there are times I wonder the same thing. Abortion was the birth control of choice several years ago. Maybe my perfect man really was killed at an early age.

Another friend has mentioned that the only way to get noticed is to get knocked up first. Believe me, sister. I’ve had the same thought. Babies really are like puppies. They attract the men who are looking for a family, which is exactly who we’re looking for. Hello, guys? There are a lot of women out there who are waiting to find you. Women who want the same things you want. Why are you only seeing the most drastic of cases? Why must we already have children for you to see us?

On the flipside of that coin, I’ve had thoughts about just starting my family now. Sure, I’m still single without any prospects. But since that doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon, why shouldn’t I go forward and adopt a baby? Well, with the exception of never being home because of working all the time; or of not being able to afford the things that a kid would require. When you take all of those little technicalities out of the equation, I must be ready, right? Millions of kids get pregnant every day, if they can do it, why can’t I? (Right. And millions more kids are put into the foster system because their parents are too young to handle taking care of them. I nearly forgot.)

But let’s be more realistic. I know that I’m not really in any position to start a family without my other half, so I let that dream die a little more every day. I know I’m not really that interesting or good looking to be noticed straight off. In fact, I like to joke that even if I were guilty, I’m the girl who wouldn’t get picked out of a police line-up. (It’s probably not that far from the truth.)

So, it looks like all I can do is continue to vicariously live through the made-up stories that make it to my TV screen. Every day the dream of my epic love story will die a little more, until one day, I won’t even remember that it was there. Every day the kids I was supposed to have already will become less of a painful memory. One day, my cats and I will wake up with the dawn, not dreading the thought of a new day to struggle through. Because one day, it really will be too late; Love itself will be a dead dream of the past.

Time to Say Goodbye?

I went to a church service for the first time in months this past Sunday. I know how lame that makes me. It really was never my intention to be gone for so long, but here we are.

It was a good service. I actually wish I could go back. (Too bad the church is an hour away in Denver.)

The pastor spoke about a portion of the 10 commandments in Exodus. He had an interesting take, one that I hadn’t considered before. When talking about not coveting, why not talk about contentment?

His point was that we should be content no matter our circumstances, no matter our belongings.

But I begin to wonder, isn’t there a point where being content might actually cause more harm than good? I look at my life and the stagnancy I’ve been suffering through. Could I become content with where my life is and where it doesn’t seem to be heading? Sure. But if I did that, would it ever change? Would I ever find meaning for my life? Would I ever get to experience any of the dreams I’ve so far put on the shelf?

I don’t think so. I think there is a time for contentment. There is a time to settle down and be happy where God has you right now. It’s the “grow where you’re planted” concept.

I’m also not questioning God’s providence. I’m not questioning that He knows what He’s doing, that we are exactly where God intends.

I’m only suggesting that perhaps, where I am right now has more to do with the choices I have unwittingly made for myself and less to do with God’s best for me. Is it possible to move yourself outside of God’s plan for your life? Possibly, but that could be a discussion for another day.

For as far back as I can remember I’ve been planning for the future. I have been saving and stockpiling things for what I thought was going to be my future. In fact, I’ve prepared for the future I thought I was heading towards for so long, that I’ve actually reached the point where I don’t think I could live in the future I thought I would be in. I know that doesn’t make sense. But I have now been on my own for long enough to realize that I have become too dependent on my stuff. I’ve become very reliant on what I can provide for myself.

I have become so reliable, in fact, that I have effectively cut myself off from most everyone I know. It’s a long story for how I got to this point. But let’s just say I do not want to become content in this situation. I would almost rather sell all my belongings and start over again, than to stay here indefinitely.

But at the same time, I find that getting rid of what I’ve accumulated… well, it’s a little more difficult than I originally imagined.

It’s not just a matter of saying goodbye to stuff. That is difficult enough. It’s more a matter of saying goodbye to the dreams the stuff represents.

I remember reading a book in high school. While I can’t exactly remember which book it was, I remember that at the beginning was a poem. The poem asked the question, “What happens to a dream deferred.” Believe me; I don’t think I’ve understood the question more completely than now.

What happens when more often than not, your dreams have been shelved? I’ll tell you. You begin to believe that none of your dreams will come true. And at that point… well, it’s not exactly pretty.

So, how do I reach beyond this point to achieve the contentment we all desire?

I believe it starts with saying goodbye to some dreams that I’ve held onto for so long. Which starts with saying goodbye to some stuff...

I'll Get Write on that....

It might seem strange to talk about why the previous two blogs I’ve started haven’t worked out. I’m hoping that maybe talking about the elephant in the room might help.

The truth is I want to write. Most days I’m plagued with ideas for what else I could say in this type of setting. On days when I’m not mentally blogging, I have story ideas running through my head. Some of them even seem to be pretty good.

What will happen is I’ll get this idea. I’ll marinate on it for weeks, sometimes longer. I’ll think of character names and get a brief story sketch going. I’ll think about whom the characters will be to one another; perhaps even how they’ll interact with each other in certain circumstances. I’ll get so excited about this story that the next logical step, is to start writing it.

So, I’ll sit down at my computer… and check my email. Maybe I’ll do some internet surfing, or clean up my desktop. Eventually I’ll finally get around to opening Microsoft Word. But this could be days later. All the other distractions usually keep me occupied until it’s too late at night to start a new project. You have to understand, when I write something, I don’t just write it down. For even something as simple as a letter, I’ll write it and then go back over it several times before deciding it’s ready to go. It usually takes me hours to write anything. Which is kind of sad… but I digress.

After I get to the point of finally opening Microsoft Word, I have a blank document staring at me. Normally this will be true for quite a while. I’m terrible at starting a story. You see, by the time I actually get to the writing portion of this exercise, I sometimes already know how the story will end. How do you start telling it when you know the conclusion? Anybody who has heard me tell a story verbally knows that I generally talk in circles. It’s a wonder I can be understood at all, let alone on paper!

The paper is blank. I have to sit there and think about the story and where it should begin. This could take hours. Finally I might convince myself to just start. Anywhere. It doesn’t really matter, because I can always go back and fix it later. I know that if I don’t get something started though, nothing will get written.

Now I have something. I have no idea if it’s good at this point. I know that it doesn’t matter. I’ll write for a little while, maybe getting a page or two done. I usually have to tell myself to just keep going. Don’t stop writing for a while. It will be there to fix later. I know that if I stop mid stride, I might not get going again.

After I’ve gotten the page or two done, I’m pleased with my progress, so I’ll read back over what I’ve written. (This is what makes this process take hours.) I’ll fix the mistakes I see or the parts that are awkward will get rewritten. I’ll read over this one section three to four times, normally. By now, it’s starting to get late, so I have to go to bed. But so far, I’m happy with what I’ve gotten done. It’s probably not much at all. Maybe it’s a scene that doesn’t happen at the beginning of the story. Maybe it’s some character introduction or development. All I know is, that night; I will go to bed happy. I have started on the story I’ve been thinking about.

The next night, I’ll be busy, so won’t get anything written. The night after that, I had emails to respond to or some research to get done, so didn’t have time to write. The following night, I’ll sit down and read what I have previously written and not know where I wanted to go with the story at that point. Sometimes I’ll just start another scene with the hopes of bringing the two together later. If that’s the case, the same process above will repeat.

But by the fourth or fifth night of not writing anything more, I will get depressed about the story and shelve it for a while. Or I’ll slowly begin to realize that my story probably wouldn’t go anywhere anyway, so why am I writing it? Nobody is going to care about what I have to say. On the flip side of that thought, I’ll think about all the books I’ve read that were really terrible, so think I might have a chance after all. But by now, I’m typically beyond the point of continuing. It’s the “nobody’s listening” idea that digs itself in deepest.

In the case of blogging, I’ve been able to take it a little bit further. I’ve noticed that I’ll write occasionally for a month or so. I think blogging is more prone to longevity (used lightly) because at least the topics are varied. I don’t usually get stuck in the same vein for too long. I know with the second blog I worked on, I had a main theme to focus on: the trip that I took. But the stories everyday would have been different. So, maybe that one would have held on for longer, if the depression hadn’t set in. I still have all the pictures, and all the stories. I could still continue that one. But I know that nobody is reading what I’m writing.

That is the part that I know I have to get past. If something is meant to be said, if it needs to be said, then it should be said whether or not anyone is reading it right now. I need to realize that I have a voice. I need to figure out how to use it again. If I don’t, I will always be THAT girl. The one who had dreams but never quite reached out far enough to see them realized. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to remain stuck where I have been for so long; waiting on the day when someone else will see my potential and will rescue me from the doldrums I’ve been stuck in. Ya know, if you don’t put anything out there, there will be no potential to see.

The Destination and The Journey

There was a time when I thought of the destination in life as the journey to get there. I realized that it didn’t matter where I was going it was the journey there that mattered.

I like the thought that imagery brings: it makes you experience and appreciate each moment as it comes to you. The journey is the moments in life that you go through as you head to the ultimate destination.

I still like that image.

In fact, it was last summer that I decided I wanted to start a blog about that very thing. I decided to take a journey. I spent the time to map out the journey I would take. I purposely planned the places I would visit along the way. It was going to be great. I planned a few stops where I would actually see people, but for the most part, I was going to be alone. I was going to be experiencing the journey. For one week and 3,000 miles, I would be experiencing the journey.

With the plan of sharing this incredible journey I was planning on taking, I took tons of pictures. I mentally captured each moment with the thought of sharing those moments. As I drove, I thought about how the moments I was experiencing were going to impact those at home who I was writing to.

And for the first few days, my journey was exactly that. I was even able to keep up with my blogging…

And then the strangest thing happened. After driving all day long and pulling into my designated stops late in the evening, I didn’t have the energy to blog. I didn’t even have the energy to enjoy a good portion of my journey. In fact, by the time I reached the halfway point, I was tired of driving. In fact, I began to dread it. I lost the joy of the experience, which meant that most of the places I planned to stop at, I drove past. All I wanted was to get where I was going.

I would drive past billboards and think about how interesting the place 30 miles ahead would be. I would think about how much I might enjoy taking a break there. And then by the time 30 miles had past, I didn’t want to stop anymore. I didn’t want to lose the momentum in getting there, to my destination for the night. The journey began to lose its meaning for me. There really wasn’t anyone at home waiting on my nightly posts. I was alone.

After I was halfway through my journey, at the locations I was looking forward to visiting before I left, I had to force myself to stop. While I was at those locations, the crowds got to me. Instead of taking the simple pleasure from the location that all the other visitors enjoyed, I was bothered by the noise. I was bothered by their lack of regard for the location. I was angered that they had turned it into such a “tourist trap.” There wasn’t beauty there for me. And so I would move on, grumpier for the journey than I had been before.

I began to miss the few friends that I had. I thought about how this trip would have been different if my mom had joined me. While before I left, I was looking forward to experiencing this journey on my own. I was looking forward to doing whatever I wanted to; going where ever I wanted to.

I realized that having someone with me, even if they are annoying or have different ideas for fun than I do, actually makes the trip more interesting. You get to experience things, sometimes for the first time, through their eyes. They make you do things that you might not be motivated to do if on your own. I began to wonder what places I might have visited if I weren’t on my own.

It didn’t take me too long to see that it wasn’t just the destination or the journey that made life exciting. It was the combination of the two. It was the people that are met along the way. It’s those that come with you; and those who are waiting at home for you. There really is truth to the saying, “no man is an island.”

We were created to be relational beings. Never have I understood that more than lately. I was halfway there in understanding this crucial truth on the journey I took last summer. The past six months…. Well, that will take more than just one post to get into.